Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Moments of Clarity that Bring Closure to Seasons of Life
My moment of clarity has been underneath my skin ready to be revealed for a couple of years. I have faced my moment of clarity several times, and thought to myself "not now, I am not ready to change this...I won't right now."
And, much to my dismay, this moment of clarity happened this weekend. It really began to surface a couple of weeks ago when in church we filled out a personal quiz about how others perceive us. Filling out the quiz brought doubt to my long lasting thoughts of "I can do this...or I can still do this for now." My persistant effort has brought me nothing but a huge growing experience that included pride, pain, and expectations of others that even I cannot meet. Which in return, has made me not always pleasant to be around. Imagine that. lol...
At our last service, we were given a pamphlet listing characteristics of either the Proud Christian or one of a humble servant. I knew this was the breaking moment of the misery I have caused myself and those around me.
It opened up the door to visit with my always by my side husband. He sure is wonderful...wonderful to stand by me even when both guns are blazing. I went through the list with him. We joked a minute about the Proud Christian...and the humble servant that I have not been. It was freeing to be honest with someone about my fears, my desires, my innermost thoughts and to have him love me, even more. It is amazing when I am finally willing to step off the ongoing merry-go-round, I don't feel as sick as I did on it going, from one horse to another trying to fix it.
It is until I am completely willing to accept my flaws, and give them up...that a season doesn't end. My season of complete self-reliance has closed right now. And, what a perfect time for it. It is spring...winter has ended. It is beautiful outside, flowers are blooming, the grass is green, color now floods the country side. And, color has filled in the black and white life that I had been living.
What a relief! What a relief to know that though Jesus, I recieve grace that I don't deserve! What a relief it is to know that I don't have to know all, control all, and live with fear that I try to hide! What a relief it is to others that live with me. lol...God is Good...All the time. And, All the time...God is Good.
What kind of season are you in? If you are tired of winter, trust that God can bring spring, anytime.